I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
Two whales are swimming through the ocean. The first whale says "AAAAAWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYOOOOOOOOOO."
The second whale says "Shut up Steve, your drunk."
I didn't ask you to dance, I said you look fat in those pants.
What's red and bad for you're teeth?
A brick.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side!
FUNNY REAL SIGNS
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the
fastest.
A sign on a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
home."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They
won't last an hour!"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed
up."
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
A man was at his sons house visiting. He said to his son, "can I borrow a news paper?".
His son said, "Dad, this is the 21st century, you can borrow my ipad." That spider never knew what
hit him.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North
America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class,
who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
Why didn't noah swat those mosquitoes?
CHURCH BULLETIN BLUNDERS
Don't let stress kill you — let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa
will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and
hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on
the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Games for the elderly:
- Sag, You're it
- Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
- 20 questions shouted into your good ear
- Kick the bucket
- Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
- Doc Goose
- Simon says something incoherent
- Hide and go pee
- Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
- Musical recliners
The devil didn't really go down to Georgia, Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked
him and he ended up there.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he
turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, and scissors.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happes to misspell a word, Webster
simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut down a christmas tree, he looks at it and it just falls over.
Chuck Norris' snowmen don't melt.
Chuck Norris does not own a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people... then it exploded.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
-Half the people you know are below average.
-99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
-All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
-The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
-OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
-Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
-I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
ANTI JOKES
What's green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell onto you out of a tree?
-A pool table.
Two men walk into a bar. You would think that one of them would have seen it.
A gorilla walks into a bar. Everyone quickly evacuates and animal control is called.
What do you call a black man selling drugs?
-A pharmacist.
What do you get when you cross an apple tree and a pine tree?
-Nothing. You can't cross-pollinate deciduous and coniferous trees.
What do an eagle and a groundhog have in common?
-They can both fly except for the groundhog.
What's green and has wheels?
-Grass. I lied about the wheels.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "What can I get ya to drink?"
-The horse unable to understand language, poops on the floor and leaves.
Two scientists walk into a bar. Scientist one says "I'll have an H20" The second scientist says "I'll have H20 too." The bartender hands them both a water as serving the second one hydrogen peroxide would kill him. The scientists sit down and drink their water and discuss their days.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
-It wasn't; numbers are non-sentient and therefore cannot feel fear.
What's white and can't climb trees?
-A refrigerator.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
-"Robin, get in the Batmobile"
A dog finds a whale while walking through the forest. He says to the whale "Shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale replies "Yes."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
-Finding half a worm in your apple.
Why did the plane crash?
-Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
What's the difference between a duck?
-One of it's legs are both the same.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
Why did the orange wear a seatbelt?
-To prevent injury in case of an accident