A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said,
“Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not
appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have
to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday,
the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his
father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said,
“Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
FUNNY REAL SIGNS
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the
A sign on a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They
won't last an hour!"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When
they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his
"Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his
"Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as
you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
The devil didn't really go down to Georgia, Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked
him and he ended up there.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he
turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, and scissors.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happes to misspell a word, Webster
simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut down a christmas tree, he looks at it and it just falls over.
Chuck Norris' snowmen don't melt.
Chuck Norris does not own a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people... then it exploded.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”
Laws of Computing
1. When computing,
whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's
3. The first place to look for information is
in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably
found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.